Friday, February 27, 2009

The Pilgrimage

The Towel Boy is set to embark on a long journey of self discovery and enlightenment...a pilgrimage of sorts.

To borrow from Wikipedia:

In religion and spirituality, a pilgrimage is a long journey or search of great
moral significance. Sometimes, it is a journey to a sacred place or shrine of
importance to a person's beliefs and faith. Members of many major religions
participate in pilgrimages. A person who makes such a journey is called a

Pilgrims? HA! How bout "suckers"! At least that's how I feel driving a couple of hours to plop my ass down in a solid gold encrusted seat in the lower bowl of RX1 tomorrow night.

Truth be told, I got free tix and dinner off a salesperson I do business with and if it wasn't for that...there's no WAY I'd make the journey to Edmonton. There's no way in hell i'd be crossing the frozen tundra of Alberta to see this shitanus™ team limp into their own building and pretend to play hockey.

I'm mad as hell and I'm gonna be sitting in section 121 to let the people around me know it.

The Oilers better fucking show up...cuz I am.

Angrily yours,

Towel Boy ver. 2.105

BJ's 1 - Oilers 0

What was that shitshow the Oilers laid out at RX1 last night?

Seriously.  That was the worst game I've watched in a long time.

Pretty awful showing for such an important "playoff atmosphere" type of game with everything on the line.

It was a nasty mixed up assignment on the Torres goal.  Gagner was covering high for Gilbert and then on the way back up ice they both decided to take the left wing and forgot about the right side all together....leaving Torres, of all people, wide open.  *sighs heavily*

I think it's time to do some housecleaning. 


The Towel Boy

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

I'm coming for you...

A few weeks ago a certain founding member of that goes by the name "Wanye Gretz" decided he'd like to start a little friendly fantasy salary cap pool at

I enjoy a good friendly contest of intellect and jump at any opportunity to show off my cerebral bulk...but this was all that he could come up with, so I joined.  I created my team over the course of many days using complex mathematical formulae and in depth statistical analysis to come up with the ultimate in fantasy draft teamery.  

Turns out I forgot to carry a one and got off to a rocky start.  BUT!  I've made certain corrections and have slowly been creeping my way up the standings with one goal in mind:

And that is to take down Wanye Gretz's - Lord Sexington's Steeds.

Oh yes, the good "lord" is gonna get some...and soon.  As you can see in the picture below, I currently sit one spot below Mr. Gretz.
Well Mr. Gretz.  I'm here today to tell you that you better keep your head on a swivel buddy...cuz the PAIN TRAIN is coming.  What's that?  You only got 14 points last night? my 181!?!  Yeah...that's what I thought.

Volley to you, dear Sir.


Gen. Winston J. Towelboy,  Supreme Allied Commander - European Campaign

They did it!!!

The Oilers beat the Lightning.  A team well below them in the standings.  They did it in their own barn to boot.

Wow.  Just wow.

Who saw this coming!?!

The Oilers looked much better last night except for the lousy power play.  What the hell was with that PP last night?  Brutal.  There was one PP where they almost looked good and snapped it around and made three cross seam passes in about a four second span, that was pretty exciting.  They controlled the play for the pretty much the full two minutes...but couldn't pot the goal.

And what the hell is up with Cory Murphy scoring two goals on us?  The guy comes in with like 2 or 3 all season...and gets TWO!...whatever.

Oh well.  A win is a win and good lord did the Oilers need one.

Now it's on to the BJ's!

...that'd be the Blue Jackets.


Monday, February 23, 2009

A storm's a brewin'...Lightning strikes RX1

For the second straight year the Tampa Bay Lightning are hovering around the bottom of the standings, as noted in fig. 1-a titled "The Bottom Feeders" below.

They aren't bringing the suck like the Islanders are...but the Lightning are not bolting up the standings either (get it? BOLTing!...OMG! brilliant).

The Bolts got off to a rocky start: They fired their coach after 10 games, they have the 1st overall draft pick in Stamkos and he isn't going all "Crosby or Ovechkin" on the stats sheet in his first year, they've had goaltending issues, player issues, Lecavalier to Montreal trade rumour issues and their owner is the co-creator of the "Saw" series of movies. Let's face it, the first Saw was cool cuz it was different...but what are we at...Saw V now? Come on. Enough already. I swear to christ - Saw VI will go straight to DVD - book it. Enough with the same re-hashed story of clever ways to die and enough with the god damned roman numerals. where was I?...oh right...Les Boltes. What's with this team? Why were they so dominant for a few years and then all of a sudden: crap city. I don't know. Why would I? I'm just a stupid Oilers fan....blind to all other teams and the Copper and Blue can do no wrong. Long live MacT! The conspiracy theorist in me would speculate that the Lightning tanked last season to get Stamkos to generate some much needed buzz for the new owner. But that same inner conspiracy nut would also say my Digital TV converter box has a camera and micorophone built in to watch my every move so I wouldn't necessarily buy what I'm selling.

Eneh-wayse, this brings me to the point of all this preamble:


"Why?" you ask. Allow myself to elaborate.

Normally the prospect of a team that currently sits 11 points back of your team in the overall standings would be just cause for early celebrations and jubilation that would allow one to look past this game and, instead, worry about the prospect of eeking out a win against the Blue Jackets on Thursday. Unfortunately, as a fan of the Edmonton Oilers, the easy win is not always so easy and thus is cause for great concern.

So far this season the Oilers have blown "easy" wins against sickly teams with winning issues like the Leafs and the Sens. Teams that, you may note, are included in fig. 1-a titled "The Bottom Feeders" above. For some reason teams limping in to RX1 have a history of walking out feeling pretty damn good about themselves. Happy that they've "turned the corner" thanks to the Mighty Oil. If a player hasn't scored in 10, or has zero points in the last 15, or a team has won 2 of their last 12 you can bet the Oil will be there for them to help bust that slump. This is not to say that the Lightning are currently slumping...but they certainly have more losses than they do wins....which, in my estimation, doesn't bode well for the home team.

For some reason the Oilers haven't stacked up well against the Lightning over the past few seasons either. Here's the breakdown:
  • Jan 22, 2008 @ Tampa Bay: 3-4 L
  • Mar 7, 2007 @ Edmonton: 3-1 L
  • Jan 22, 2004 @ Edmonton: 3-2 L

[sarcasm]Yayyyyyy. Three straight losses. Alright! Yah! ...s'awsome![/sarcasm]

The '04 loss can be excused, cuz if memory serves me correct, the '04 Lightning were a pretty kickass/president trophy winning team that took it to those cowpokes down south and walked away with Lord Stanley's Mug. The Oilers of that same year took the usual route of a mediocre season with a strong finish only to end up barely missing the playoffs by 2 points. Such is life in Oil Country.

It looks like the Oilers are heading for that same path we've all grown to love every year: Outside, looking in with a little over 20 games to go, with 3 other teams around the same number of points vying for the last two spots. I know what you're thinking...who saw this coming!?! right? Who could have seen that the Oilers would be desperately looking for W's against so called "lesser teams" in late February. Who coulda seen it?!? Let's just hope they Oilers pull a fast one on me and blow the Bolts out of the water. The Oil need a win badly. Four game losing streaks suck hard. Real hard.

Depressingly and grumpily yours,

Towel Boy

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Hockey Day In Canada - Sheep lovers invade RX1.

Those sheep lovin' cowboys from down south are invading the Holy Ground at RX1 tonight.

The Oilers better get their poop in a group this evening and put up a big W, cuz they need it. A three game losing streak wouldn't be a good way to stay in the playoff hunt.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Rick Rolled

Dallas 4....Oilers 2.

Who saw this .... ahhhhh fuckit.
I'll blog later when my rage level has decreased.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Rocket Stortini

Zachery Stortini appears to be on a mission of late:

A mission to score more goals than Sam Gagner.

Check these stats...

Sam Gagner #89
2008-200951 6

Average TOI:  16:56

Zack Stortini #46
2008-200937 4
Average TOI:  6:56

What in Sweet Zeus's Underpants!?!...Zack has 4 goals to Gagner's 6, while playing 14 fewer games and averaging 10 minutes less TOI per game.  Am I reading this correct?  Doth mine eyes deceivith me...eth?

Ummm....who saw this coming?!?

I understand that Gagner has put up more points than Zack...a lot more points....but goals is what this narrow minded and one sided article has focused on.  

Sam is a play maker, so it stands to reason he's going to score less goals than your average sniper.  I get that.  But to have only 2 more than your team's limited minute huggy bear?  That's the worst thing imaginable.  Especially for someone of Gagner's draft position and hockey pedigree.

Perhaps this is the push that Sammy needs to start finishing some of his chances down the stretch.  It already appears lately that Sam has taken a page from the gameplay manual of one Zachery Johnson Howard Stortini:

1.  Crash net with wreckless abandon.  Check!
2.  Fight.  Check!
3.  Dig puck out of corners and cycle deep...maintain solid forecheck.  Check!
4.  Grow 5 o'clock shadow at 9:30 AM.  Ok, gotta work on that.
5.  Use "well umm" and "uhhh" and "errr" multiple times in TV interviews.  Not Required.

Now, there's nothing wrong with a little healthy competition amongst teammates...So it should translate well down the stretch for both players to keep this little goal scoring race going.  I just deep down inside hope Zack doesn't surpass Gagner in goals...cuz Sam's Sophmore Jinxed psyche doesn't need that kick to the ball sack.

The Towel Boy...CBC News.......Edmonton.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Swedish Meatballs

A couple months back, Jonathan Willis over at posted a little blurb about a Swedish Edmonton Oilers prospect by the name of Linus Omark (I'm sure there's Swedish accent thingies in his name somewhere - like they have on Ikea furniture names...but I can't find them on my keyboard). In this little article by Willis he outlined a few points about this relatively unknown player trying to make his way in the Swedish Elite League. The article is interesting and words are good...but what I zeroed in on was the youtube video Willis embedded in his article:

Pretty slick there Cowboy.

You: B.F.D. Towel Boy...why is this news? Willis showed me this 2 months ago.

Me: Hey look, a bird!!

Moving on...
I was looking at the pictures in the Edmonton Journal today and I couldn't help but read the title of a particular article entitled "Prospect Dazzles". After failing to see more pictures that would reveal to me the point of this article...I had someone read it to me and discovered the article in question was about Linus Omark. Apparently in a recent hockey match in the Swedish Elite League, Mr. Omark dazzled again...scoring a goal with the old cut-across-net-put-puck-between-legs-move-and-roof-puck-over-goalie-just-under-crossbar move. See moving picture box below:

Unnamed Swedish Goalie, you siv. You shoulda saw that coming.

Now, this move isn't anything super special. Many players have done it in all sorts of skill competitions all over the world. Hell, even the Towel Boy himself can do long as there is no goalie, no defenders nearby, not during an actual competitive game and hitting the net is optional. What makes this little move so sweet is that it happened in an actual game. On an actual goalie. In an actual net. Against actual players. As far as I know, the SEL is no slouch in terms of competition either, which only adds to the growing youtube legend that is Linus Omark. Did I mention he leads the SEL in points? Good work kid.

I just hope his youtube legend doesn't over hype the hell out of him like another Oiler prospect. A certain player who's name rhymes with ROB SCHREMP.

*crosses fingers*


Handduk Pojke

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Sam "Raging Bull" Gagner


Ok, so this afternoon the Oilers and the Kings met in L.A. to fight and call each other names, and a game of hockey broke out.

In a game filled with 3 fighting majors, a nice array of minor penalties and some awesome hits from both sides it was clear that Sam Gagner would have to step in and chuck some knuckles to settle this thing down. Who saw this coming?!?

That's right...Sam Friggin' Gagner dropped his tiny gloves with Jack Johnson this afternoon and stood up for himself after a net crashin' post whistle scrum.

Both players landed some decent shots and tagged each other in the final blows. After it was all over Gags had a bloody nose and my respect to show for his efforts (which is huge...cuz I'm kind of a big deal). It doesn't matter who won or lost, what matters is that Sam Friggin' Gagner dropped the gloves. My wee Little Sammy.

*tear of pride rolls down cheek*

Math Time:
Interesting statistic (Jonathan Willis, take note) - this was Sam Gagner's 2nd career NHL fight.

The following graph will analyze Gagner's number of fights and the distribution of the months in which they occured:

That's right! Both of Sam Gagner's NHL fights have occured in month of February. Who saw that coming?!? February 16th, 2008 and Today to be exact.

Maybe Sam's got lady troubles and the general region of Valentine's Day (tm) sends him into a week long, angry, alcohol fueled fit of rage where he would fight his own mother if she was within swinging distance.

Either way...I've got my calendar marked for mid February, 2010 for Sam's next tilt. Can't wait!

Yours truly,

Winston J. Towel Boy IV - esq.

Monday, February 9, 2009

WSTC: 1 - Welcome To Awesometown!

Montreal at Edmonton:

So...the Bleu, Blanc et Rouge decided to come out west for once and visit us gun waving rednecks. Really, you should have seen this coming...cuz it was on the schedule since September...but what you didn't see coming was the complete spanking the Oilers laid down on the Habs. 7 - 2. Sweet sassy goodness that was awesome.

This home win makes up for 1 of the 3 blowouts the Oilers have been on the receiving end of so far this season. Hopefully this win was the result of good play by the Oilers and not simply that the Habs are in the worst losing skid in franchise history (possible exaggeration...really I'm too lazy to look it up), coupled with players that seemingly aren't motivated, coupled with "superstars" that are invisible, coupled with a goalie that couldn't stop a tree from moving. Hopefully this win was actually good, hard nosed play by the Mighty Oil and that was simply why they looked to be the better team. When we lay the smack down to a NW team ahead of us in the standings...I'll be a true re-believer.

Sean Avery:

It looks like our favorite mouthpiece has gotten himself a ticket to the minors. Who saw this coming?!? The Dallas Stars pretty much said "fuck no" to any future involvement with him and so did the 29 other teams in the NHL...I guess they weren't into sloppy seconds. So it's off to the minors for Avery.

I really do hope he gets his game straight and makes it back in the NHL...cuz he is a decent player and is very good at his job: and that is being a fucktard. It sounds like he will make it back into the big show sooner than later with the Rangers being his new stage from which to profess his douchery, as the Stars approached the Rangers to see if their AHL affiliate, Hartford Wolfpack, would be interested in housing him for the time being. It's believed the Rangers would then pick him up on re-entry waivers for half of the bone headed salary Avery is making.

Until then, gone are Avery's days of taking down celeberty babes and ex supermodels...the tail in the minors isn't as refined. Here's an example of the puck bunnies that frequent the post game hot spots in Hartford:

Yeah...that's hot.

Your pal,


Saturday, February 7, 2009

Every start has its beginning.

Now that I've blown your mind with that clever on.

I'm an Edmonton Oilers fan and here's my plan:

As a regular contributor of inane babble and seemingly incoherrent ramblings in the comment sections of the most excellent, I've become extremely jealous of the contributors to that site and other excellent Oilers related blogs in the blogosphere of the Mighty Oil. I see them strutting around the internets with their diamond earrings, fur coats, ferraris and, of course, the multitude of willing and able ladies. This has made me draw the conclusion that blogging = fame and fortune and I must act quickly and decisively if I want my cut.

So, that being said...

Each week* or so I plan on discussing** certain aspects of my beloved ice hockey syndicate: The Edmonton Oilers. The plan is to highlight stuff you didn't see coming...and laugh at you for not seeing it coming. I appologize in advance, but's not my fault you don't regularly read
Oilersnation and thus did not see it coming. I also want to include happenings and surprise oddities of the NHL in general as well***.

So, that being said...

Who saw that coming?!?

TB, out.

*could possibly be monthly, quarterly or whenever the fuck I get around to it.
**rambling without structure, general prose or good grammar.

***or not, who knows.