Thursday, May 28, 2009

The Two Headed Coaching Monster

So, it's been a while since I've been in touch with the internet.  I've been away from my desk working on a project most of this week.  Now, imagine my surprise the other day when I get an email on my Blackberry from the Edmonton Oilers Pipeline informing me that there would be a press conference around lunch time.  Imagine more of my surpise when I don't get that email until after I happened to be at home for lunch and TSN was reporting that the mighty Pat Quinn and Tom Renney would be appointed as the Edmonton Oilers' new Coach(es).  Imagine even more of my surpise when I get an email from a buddy simply titled "DOOOOOOODE!" with the new coaching information nicely packaged within.  Now imagine even more surprises when I get a text message from yet another buddy saying "What?  No Towel Boy around today?  Who saw this coming!?!"  Now imagine you're in a large open field, with the wind gently blowing the tall grass causing it to sway slowly back and forth....woops...shit, sorry...we're done imagining now.

THIS SHIT IS REAL!!! double you tee eff!  "Two coaches!?"  "Who the fuck saw this coming!?!" I scream to myself.  

All of us interneteers that deal with the Oilers had our suspicions that Pat Quinn could possibly be named as Head Coach.  We also had our suspicions that Tom Renney could possibly be named as Head Coach.  But never and a brazillion years could any of us imagined that BOTH men would be named as coaches of our beloved hockey squadron.

The Mighty Pat Quinn will be the head honcho and Renney was named his "associate".  Pretty sweet since I would have been happy with either man being named as any kind of coach for the team.

I really like this tandem of coaching awesomeness.  Both men have excellent coaching records.  Both men have shown abilities to lead teams to winning records.  Both men are committed to icing a competitive product next season.  With two coaches they can even pull the "good cop, bad cop" routine when needed.  I'm so fuckin' PUMPED!

Now Tambo has the delightful duty of meeting with his new coaches and doing some roster tweaking over the summer.  It'll be curious to see how the roster shakes out going into training camp this fall.  Could this summer be any longer!?!?  (what?'s only May?  ...fuck.)

Signed Impatiently Yours,

The Towel Boy

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Huge Free Agency Signing

My new home?

Soooo...word came down from my agent today that I signed a multi-year, multi-million dollar deal with Jeanshorts and Baggedmilk.   I also hear that Admiral Rusty Shackleford has signed with the team as well. 

This is good stuff.  Those two fuckers over there at the JSBM Research Center and Child Day Care Home come up with some pretty crazy shit.  They scour the internet and find the stupidest/lamest/weirdest/funniest/hotest/randomest shit the internet has to offer, add a Megan Fox picture or video and then open up discussions about it.  Think of it as an internet town hall for filth and trash.  Not only do they offer up the underbelly of the internet, they also are diehard Oiler fans and are hosts to the Oiler game night internet gathering of the Bonsignore Citizens Brigade...which is a good way to bitch about the game as it goes on with fellow fans who like to swear and talk about boobs.  The best of all worlds really.

So...heads up internet citizens...this should be interesting.


Soooo...the Canucks are done.  Too bad.  Where was your ALLSTAR goaltender last night Canucks fans!??  HUH!??

Luongo lets in 7 goals.  In ONE game.  Who saw this coming!?!

P.S.  Vancouver fans:  If you want to run your goalie out of town by all means direct him towards Edmonton.  Kthanxbye.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

My New Fave Beer Commercial

Not sure why...but I find this ad for Lakeport beer absolutely fucking halarious. Good job advertising brainiacs. Good job.

The Blackberry Dude Is At It Again

Seriously...who would stand in the way
of giving this guy a franchise?

I'll tell you who:  Gary Bettman and the NHL Owners Club™.  That's who.

For some reason Jim Balsillie doesn't like to play by the rules.  Most billionaires don't.  I can't say I blame him.  If I could buy islands and small countries with the change in the ashtray of my Ferrari I'd probably have little regard for "the rules of society" as well.

But, the society of the NHL Owners Club™ is a tricky one to slither into.  From all accounts it's a bit of an Old Boys Club...and in order to get in, you HAVE to play by their rules.  They don't seem to enjoy flashy billionaires trying to circumvent the bureaucratic process, and Jim has tried to do just that on two previous occaisions. 

So, we'll see how Canada's favorite billionaire makes out this time around.  It sounds like courts would be involved and then there's the matter of whether or not a bankruptcy court has the authority to tell the NHL how to conduct its business.  This could get ugly. 

In related news...

Baggedmilk says the team will be called the Hamilton Storm...get it?  Balsillie?...Research In Motion?...Blackberry?....STORM?....I must say, that is quite clever.  I'm in. 

Signed lovingly as always,


Friday, May 1, 2009

Jaw-O-Mer Jaw-Ger

Jagr's head on Gagner's body?  Who saw this coming!?!

So, news is fluttering around the internet series of tubes and chutes the past couple of days about how much Jaromir Jagr would LOVE to play for the Edmonton Oilers.  If, of course, he wasn't already under contract in the KHL... and they made him a good offer... and he didn't have to play a starring role....and if there was less contact in the NHL.  All those minor tidbits aside, apparently he's just smitten with how much love the Oilers showed him a few months back in trying to woo him from his KHL team where he makes eleventy billion dollars a season, tax free.

I'm not sure where I stand on this whole deal.  I know that Jagr was one of my favorite players when I was 13.  I even have his rookie card in O-Pee-Chee Premier 90-91, in mint condition locked away in an acrylic card protector inside a climate controlled safe.  Ok, that last bit about a  climate controlled safe is a total lie, but the rest is true.  That card was my pride and joy when I was 15 and it still is to this day. I take it out every now and then to remind myself of how awesomely rare it is.  "Not everyone has a Jaromir Jagr rookie card in O-Pee-Chee Premier 90-91, in mint condition locked away in an acrylic card protector inside a climate controlled safe." I tell myselft when I look at it.

Gushing about sweet rookie cards aside, I think I'd be in with Jagr as an Oiler, providing they a) don't overpay his old ass.  b) don't sign him to more than a year.

I suspect those two points will be the exact opposite of what he'll be looking for along with his ticket to E-Town...but never know.  I sure could get used to seeing Jagr and Hemsky connecting like they have been at the IIHF Worlds this past week.  If you missed it....Jagr has setup both of Hemsky's goals.  I even watched the last game on a Czech feed and all I could make out was "czech czech czech Jagr czech czech czech Hemsky czech CCCCZZZZEEECCCHHHHH!!!"  It was totally sweet.

Your friend,
The Towel Boy