Let's DOOOOOOOOoooo THIS!!1!!!!

Ok...so I know I've been a little slack around here lately. It's summer. What do you want from me? This is primarily an Oiler related blog and there hasn't been much exciting Oiler related news for me to force on to you my opinions of said news.

Aside from this whole "douche bag" thing (read: Dany Heatley) this summer, there hasn't been much excitement from 'ol Tambo and his crew.

It looks, by all accounts, that the Oil will be going into training camp with virtually the same roster as last season. Of course a new/old goalie is in net and we no longer have the services of Kyle Brodziak. But aside from that, we can expect the same group of guys to lace'em up for the Mighty Oil. There is still time for Tambo to make a trade or two. We'll see. But chances are good that the roster will remain unchanged.

I think this year is going to be different with this group though. Last summer heading into training camp we (the fans, the media, the coach) had high expectations of this team. We all know how that turned out. But if there's one thing the Oilers know how to do - it's how to not live up to expectations. Whether that means sucking when expectations are high or playing lights out when expectations are low is anyone's guess. This team has shown tenancies to do both.

This year is different for me because I almost don't care about the tiny details. I don't care if Hemsky gets 90 pts. I don't care if Sam Gagner plays the first half of the season like he typically plays the second half. I don't care if Souray's shoulder explodes. I don't care if Lubo's shoulder is healed. I don't care if Horcoff buries feeds from Hemsky or whiffs on them. I don't care if the Oilers get blown out 10-2. All I care about, from the bottom of my heart, is that the Oilers somehow, some way MAKE THE FUCKING PLAYOFFS. I don't care about the details of how they do it...I just want it done. I'm so tired of not caring much about hockey after the regular season is over.

It's been three summers of playoff hockey with zero Oiler content. I can't take another. I need a reason to damage my liver...other than "hey, it's Monday night!"

Oh, and if you dig the picture up there...why not show your appreciation for it by buying the T-Shirt from Jeanshorts & Baggedmilk You can buy it here.

Alright...now...expect to see more shit as we draw closer to training camp. You've been warned.

My Take On The Heatley Thing

Ok. We all need to fuck'n relax and take a step back.

Yes. Dany Heatley vetoed the deal to come to Edmonton...twice.

No. It's not because the City of Edmonton is a shit hole or he flat out hates the Oilers.

...and Yes. Baggedmilk is a god among mere mortals for his tales of debauchery form around the globe. But back to hockey talk...

The point about Heatley that I want to get out there is that We don't know the whole story. No matter what the media people say or feel..they don't know the whole story either. The only people that know are the Sens, the Oilers and Dany Heatley and his agent. So why would I judge Heatley on 3rd hand knowledge of the entire situation? The only thing I can judge him on is is ability to score fucking goals from every angle on the ice...and that's enough for me to remain in his corner...for now. Unless some hard core straight up "FUCK YOU EDMONTON" comes directly out of his mouth...at that point he'll be dead to me.

My take on the whole thing...

The List:

Heatley asked for a trade and gave a list of teams that he would accept a trade to. Fine. It's his choice - he earned it and negotiated it into his contract. Stories that came out in the beginning had Edmonton as being a place on his list...then days later stories came out saying that Edmonton was NOT on his list. Reading stuff from today, it's a fair assumption that Edmonton was not, in fact, on his list at all. Given that assumption, if it was me and I had a list of places I would accept a transfer to and left my boss in charge to get the best offer for my services from one of those places... only to find that the best offer he got was from a place that wasn't on my list - I WOULD TOTALLY WANT TO THINK ABOUT IT. I wouldn't be all "Oh, ok boss...where do I sign?" I'd be more like "Edmonton? What the fuck is this shit? They weren't on my fucking list. I never even considered them as a viable option. Where is this Edmonton? Do they have women there? I need to drink on this."

Why would I want to drink on it? Well, for fuckin' 1. It wasn't on my list. 2. I would want to see if the other places on my list come up with something. Because, honestly I would go to Edmonton, but I'd rather go to any of the higher ranked cities on my list because...well, those cities were on my fucking list. It's why I had a list to begin with. It's the very nature of a LIST.

The NMC:

Just because he has a NMC and can "say" he doesn't want to play here means nothing to me in terms of "would I even want him on the Oilers after he said No?" Cuz honestly...players without NMC's have been traded to Edmonton and you can bet that at first they weren't exactly happy with the situation...Visnovsky comes to mind. He was hours away from having a NMC kicking into his contract when he got the trade call. I seem to recall his first interview as more of a "What the fuck L.A.? why?" than it was "I'm happy to be an Oiler today." Obviously he wasn't keen on the switch...and if he had the NMC active I bet 7 dollars he would have vetoed the trade as well. So to me the vetoing of the trade by Dany was more waiting to see what the other teams ON HIS LIST had to say, rather than it was about hating on the Oilers.

The Rumours of Duchebaggery and Dickheadishness:

Look. I don't give a fuck if Heatley is a complete asshole. Lots of hockey players are assholes. They get paid to play a sport, they're not always good people. In my books, they don't have to be all nicey nice when they bring something to the table like Heatley does. Duchebag or not...he scores goals and makes his linemates better. Cocksucker or not...he's a multiple time allstar and has rep'd Canada on the world stage many times. I don't care what kind of a person he is. I'm not even worried that "he'd be a cancer to the room"...cuz honestly...there might be some cancers in that room all ready. They're fuckin' hockey players, not babies. They don't need to be protected from the big, bad, mean superstar. Gimme a break. Teammates don't even have to be best friends off the ice. In fact, I would argue that some times it's best when they're not buddies off the ice...that means there's less of a chance for Baggedmilk type adventures (Read: hookers and blow).

In Summary:

I don't villify him for what's happened...I believe it all started from the Oilers not being on his list...then all of a sudden he/agent hear the Oilers have a good package...they give the go ahead to Murray to start negotiations with the Oil...thinking all the while it'll drive up interest from the team he really wants to go to (Rangers?) But all that ended up happening is that the Oilers had the most unbeatable offer and the Rangers, sensing defeat/dirty poker/them being played....said "fuck ur hat." Now we're here.

I don't pretend to think Heatley is a saint or even a good guy that I would have a beer with. But his record on the ice is proven and that is enough for me to feel that the Oilers should continue to court this guy...and for that I'm not boarding the "Hate Dany Heatley Bandwagon" just quite yet. The summer is young though...he may say something bad about Rusty or JSBM and then I'll have to throw down. Until then, I'm all for whatever it takes.

- Towel R. Boy III

Dream With Me For A Second

The photo above was taken from the future. It is a distant future. There's laser guns, flying cars, holograms on every corner and Dany Heatley is an Oiler. In what could be described as "the worst photoshop The Towel Boy has ever done" (above) you will see an accurate* artistic representation of this world and how it would look as Dany Heatley does his post goal flyby.

Flashback to the present:

Word came down today from the hockey megaverse central hive (tsn.ca) that Dany Heatley wants out of Ottawa. I don't blame him. That is one shitty team over the past couple of seasons. They went from balls out awesome to flat out titty-fucking awful over one offseason. Some of it was coaching, some of it was goaltending. I don't pretend to know why the Sens turned up the suck...maybe it was Jason Smith. But they did...and that's what lead up to the events of today.

Would Heatley want to be traded to the Oilers? I don't know...I don't even know if he has a say really. I don't think he has a no trade clause, so it would seem it's up the Brian Murray. It's not like the Oilers have been lights out the past couple of seasons either, when compared to the Sens, but here's why I think Dany Heatley would love to play for the Oilers:

1. I said so.

So there you have it. A solid argument as to why the Oilers should do everything in their power to package up a nice assortment of up-and-comers plus Rob Schremp to land Dany Heatley. Besides, it doesn't look much like Hossa is coming here this summer.

Now, back into my time machine! I was in the middle of watching the series finale of Big Brother coming up this summer when I decided to come back and post this.

*KERZZZZOOORK* poof.

Signed,

Past Towel Boy writing as Present Towel Boy with information from the Future Towel Boy

*not at all accurate, pretty shitty actually