My Take On The Heatley Thing

Ok. We all need to fuck'n relax and take a step back.

Yes. Dany Heatley vetoed the deal to come to Edmonton...twice.

No. It's not because the City of Edmonton is a shit hole or he flat out hates the Oilers.

...and Yes. Baggedmilk is a god among mere mortals for his tales of debauchery form around the globe. But back to hockey talk...

The point about Heatley that I want to get out there is that We don't know the whole story. No matter what the media people say or feel..they don't know the whole story either. The only people that know are the Sens, the Oilers and Dany Heatley and his agent. So why would I judge Heatley on 3rd hand knowledge of the entire situation? The only thing I can judge him on is is ability to score fucking goals from every angle on the ice...and that's enough for me to remain in his corner...for now. Unless some hard core straight up "FUCK YOU EDMONTON" comes directly out of his mouth...at that point he'll be dead to me.

My take on the whole thing...

The List:

Heatley asked for a trade and gave a list of teams that he would accept a trade to. Fine. It's his choice - he earned it and negotiated it into his contract. Stories that came out in the beginning had Edmonton as being a place on his list...then days later stories came out saying that Edmonton was NOT on his list. Reading stuff from today, it's a fair assumption that Edmonton was not, in fact, on his list at all. Given that assumption, if it was me and I had a list of places I would accept a transfer to and left my boss in charge to get the best offer for my services from one of those places... only to find that the best offer he got was from a place that wasn't on my list - I WOULD TOTALLY WANT TO THINK ABOUT IT. I wouldn't be all "Oh, ok boss...where do I sign?" I'd be more like "Edmonton? What the fuck is this shit? They weren't on my fucking list. I never even considered them as a viable option. Where is this Edmonton? Do they have women there? I need to drink on this."

Why would I want to drink on it? Well, for fuckin' 1. It wasn't on my list. 2. I would want to see if the other places on my list come up with something. Because, honestly I would go to Edmonton, but I'd rather go to any of the higher ranked cities on my list because...well, those cities were on my fucking list. It's why I had a list to begin with. It's the very nature of a LIST.

The NMC:

Just because he has a NMC and can "say" he doesn't want to play here means nothing to me in terms of "would I even want him on the Oilers after he said No?" Cuz honestly...players without NMC's have been traded to Edmonton and you can bet that at first they weren't exactly happy with the situation...Visnovsky comes to mind. He was hours away from having a NMC kicking into his contract when he got the trade call. I seem to recall his first interview as more of a "What the fuck L.A.? why?" than it was "I'm happy to be an Oiler today." Obviously he wasn't keen on the switch...and if he had the NMC active I bet 7 dollars he would have vetoed the trade as well. So to me the vetoing of the trade by Dany was more waiting to see what the other teams ON HIS LIST had to say, rather than it was about hating on the Oilers.

The Rumours of Duchebaggery and Dickheadishness:

Look. I don't give a fuck if Heatley is a complete asshole. Lots of hockey players are assholes. They get paid to play a sport, they're not always good people. In my books, they don't have to be all nicey nice when they bring something to the table like Heatley does. Duchebag or not...he scores goals and makes his linemates better. Cocksucker or not...he's a multiple time allstar and has rep'd Canada on the world stage many times. I don't care what kind of a person he is. I'm not even worried that "he'd be a cancer to the room"...cuz honestly...there might be some cancers in that room all ready. They're fuckin' hockey players, not babies. They don't need to be protected from the big, bad, mean superstar. Gimme a break. Teammates don't even have to be best friends off the ice. In fact, I would argue that some times it's best when they're not buddies off the ice...that means there's less of a chance for Baggedmilk type adventures (Read: hookers and blow).

In Summary:

I don't villify him for what's happened...I believe it all started from the Oilers not being on his list...then all of a sudden he/agent hear the Oilers have a good package...they give the go ahead to Murray to start negotiations with the Oil...thinking all the while it'll drive up interest from the team he really wants to go to (Rangers?) But all that ended up happening is that the Oilers had the most unbeatable offer and the Rangers, sensing defeat/dirty poker/them being played....said "fuck ur hat." Now we're here.

I don't pretend to think Heatley is a saint or even a good guy that I would have a beer with. But his record on the ice is proven and that is enough for me to feel that the Oilers should continue to court this guy...and for that I'm not boarding the "Hate Dany Heatley Bandwagon" just quite yet. The summer is young though...he may say something bad about Rusty or JSBM and then I'll have to throw down. Until then, I'm all for whatever it takes.

- Towel R. Boy III

Congratulations Oilersnation.com

I would like to give a big huge internet high five to the fine folks over at Oilersnation.com for pimpin big.

In case you missed it, bingofuel and Gregor are movie stars now:

Not only did this small website have cool enough readership to send Gregor to Montreal to cover the draft, but they also raised a boatload of cash to go to the Stollery Children's Hospital. Way to go readers and Oilersnation peeps. Way. To. Go.

- TB

Dream With Me For A Second

The photo above was taken from the future. It is a distant future. There's laser guns, flying cars, holograms on every corner and Dany Heatley is an Oiler. In what could be described as "the worst photoshop The Towel Boy has ever done" (above) you will see an accurate* artistic representation of this world and how it would look as Dany Heatley does his post goal flyby.

Flashback to the present:

Word came down today from the hockey megaverse central hive (tsn.ca) that Dany Heatley wants out of Ottawa. I don't blame him. That is one shitty team over the past couple of seasons. They went from balls out awesome to flat out titty-fucking awful over one offseason. Some of it was coaching, some of it was goaltending. I don't pretend to know why the Sens turned up the suck...maybe it was Jason Smith. But they did...and that's what lead up to the events of today.

Would Heatley want to be traded to the Oilers? I don't know...I don't even know if he has a say really. I don't think he has a no trade clause, so it would seem it's up the Brian Murray. It's not like the Oilers have been lights out the past couple of seasons either, when compared to the Sens, but here's why I think Dany Heatley would love to play for the Oilers:

1. I said so.

So there you have it. A solid argument as to why the Oilers should do everything in their power to package up a nice assortment of up-and-comers plus Rob Schremp to land Dany Heatley. Besides, it doesn't look much like Hossa is coming here this summer.

Now, back into my time machine! I was in the middle of watching the series finale of Big Brother coming up this summer when I decided to come back and post this.

*KERZZZZOOORK* poof.

Signed,

Past Towel Boy writing as Present Towel Boy with information from the Future Towel Boy

*not at all accurate, pretty shitty actually

The Two Headed Coaching Monster

So, it's been a while since I've been in touch with the internet.  I've been away from my desk working on a project most of this week.  Now, imagine my surprise the other day when I get an email on my Blackberry from the Edmonton Oilers Pipeline informing me that there would be a press conference around lunch time.  Imagine more of my surpise when I don't get that email until after I happened to be at home for lunch and TSN was reporting that the mighty Pat Quinn and Tom Renney would be appointed as the Edmonton Oilers' new Coach(es).  Imagine even more of my surpise when I get an email from a buddy simply titled "DOOOOOOODE!" with the new coaching information nicely packaged within.  Now imagine even more surprises when I get a text message from yet another buddy saying "What?  No Towel Boy around today?  Who saw this coming!?!"  Now imagine you're in a large open field, with the wind gently blowing the tall grass causing it to sway slowly back and forth....woops...shit, sorry...we're done imagining now.

THIS SHIT IS REAL!!!

Yeah...so double you tee eff!  "Two coaches!?"  "Who the fuck saw this coming!?!" I scream to myself.  

All of us interneteers that deal with the Oilers had our suspicions that Pat Quinn could possibly be named as Head Coach.  We also had our suspicions that Tom Renney could possibly be named as Head Coach.  But never and a brazillion years could any of us imagined that BOTH men would be named as coaches of our beloved hockey squadron.

The Mighty Pat Quinn will be the head honcho and Renney was named his "associate".  Pretty sweet since I would have been happy with either man being named as any kind of coach for the team.

I really like this tandem of coaching awesomeness.  Both men have excellent coaching records.  Both men have shown abilities to lead teams to winning records.  Both men are committed to icing a competitive product next season.  With two coaches they can even pull the "good cop, bad cop" routine when needed.  I'm so fuckin' PUMPED!

Now Tambo has the delightful duty of meeting with his new coaches and doing some roster tweaking over the summer.  It'll be curious to see how the roster shakes out going into training camp this fall.  Could this summer be any longer!?!?  (what?...it's only May?  ...fuck.)

Signed Impatiently Yours,

The Towel Boy

Ghost Town...

Hastily Made Cleveland Tourism Video

Huge Free Agency Signing

My new home?

Soooo...word came down from my agent today that I signed a multi-year, multi-million dollar deal with Jeanshorts and Baggedmilk.   I also hear that Admiral Rusty Shackleford has signed with the team as well. 

This is good stuff.  Those two fuckers over there at the JSBM Research Center and Child Day Care Home come up with some pretty crazy shit.  They scour the internet and find the stupidest/lamest/weirdest/funniest/hotest/randomest shit the internet has to offer, add a Megan Fox picture or video and then open up discussions about it.  Think of it as an internet town hall for filth and trash.  Not only do they offer up the underbelly of the internet, they also are diehard Oiler fans and are hosts to the Oiler game night internet gathering of the Bonsignore Citizens Brigade...which is a good way to bitch about the game as it goes on with fellow fans who like to swear and talk about boobs.  The best of all worlds really.

So...heads up internet citizens...this should be interesting.